i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
