I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
