So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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