i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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