12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
