I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
