I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
