Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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