It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
