Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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