i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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