she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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