I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
