It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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