I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
