im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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