Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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