I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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