I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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