you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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