Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
