Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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