she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
