dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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