my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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