I CAN MOONWALK!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
