DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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