she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
