Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
