You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
try to milk me bitch
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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