I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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