remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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