why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
