i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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