My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
