who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
