I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
