she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
