and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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