just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
