we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
