I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
