Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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