My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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