I feel like abortions should bother me more
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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