Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
