why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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