sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
