I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
