Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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