I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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